04.12.2017, 21:55
Ziemlich offen was sie da erzaehlt. Sollte zu denken geben.
The Addicted and The Recovery “Part 1”
“My struggle with forgiveness while being pregnant and what marriage means to me.”
When you walk down the aisle on your wedding day there are a lot of things that cross your mind. I can’t believe this is finally happening. I’m so happy to be marrying my best friend. I wonder what are kids will look like. I love him so much. Please, don’t let me fall down in the giant dress. I hope I have nothing in my teeth, or in my nose. What you don’t think about is, how am I going to cope with my husband’s drug addiction. Or what will it be like to try and love someone that is behind a mask of drugs. Will we be able to conquer this addiction and find a stronger marriage on the other side?
No, no one thinks these things. I wasn’t prepared. No one is. Many married couples are trying to not fight over money, housework, and keeping the spark alive. But, when addiction happens, it all changes. For me, I didn’t even know it was changing. I didn’t know my husband had this secret. Honestly, I wish he just liked video games too much or porn. Addiction takes over, it’s not just a hazy husband, it’s mood swings, no motivation, no will to help with housework, paying bills, so many ridiculous fights, lies, and lots of sleeping. I thought he hated me. The fights and the pain that it caused me, I hid from everyone. I just figured he was going through something and I wanted to be there for him. Maybe it was depression. Who was I, to judge? So, I questioned him about it but I tried to also be supportive. The first year went into two and then to almost three and I was tired. I was tired of the lying about where money was going and why he was always broke. Why he would disappear for hours at a time? Did he hate me? So, I started thinking about divorce. I talked to someone about it. I didn’t want to do that. Marriage was a work in progress to me. A talent you are constantly trying to perfect. But it was bad. And I didn’t want to be with someone, I thought, didn’t love me.
The day that everything changed, I was about 2 weeks pregnant. We, of course, didn’t know I was pregnant. We were supposed to go to Universal Studios, my favorite place ever, and Mike was not getting out of bed. I went to the gym. He was supposed to be ready to switch hotels for our mini vacation when I got back. I came back and he was still was in bed. I was frustrated and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. He promised he would be ready. He promised to have a fun day with me. And still, he laid in bed. I think about all the things, I did for him and I think I am finally ready to have the horrible talk about the D word. Finally, an hour later he brings his stuff down to the lobby. We head to lunch. I’m pissed and he is grumpy. It’s too late to go to Universal Studios and then he says he can’t afford a ticket to go tomorrow. WHAT? Now, going to Universal Studios and paying for a ticket may be understandable but the repeated failure to pay for things was not. Health insurance, rent, cable, gas, electric, or a grocery store run was usually paid for by me. What happened to equality? I was always the haughty woman that said she would never be with someone that treated her as, less than. And now this, something I looked forward to, I was done. Or I thought I was…
We fight, I cry, he gets real quiet.
“I don’t wanna die,” he says through tears. “I think I have a problem.”
We were in a Panera parking lot, in Orlando Florida, the happiest place on earth. I’m confused so I move the car to where there isn’t any cars so we can “talk.” (More like scream and cry. And SCREAM some more.) Fans don’t know I have a temper. A bad one. One that doesn’t care about who I love. I can string an insult together like a Stradivarius violin, when I am mad. I’ve had therapy to help it and I try to meditate. But, no amount of meditation or therapy will control a temper after 3 years of being lied to about pain pills and money. So, after the deafening truth comes out I take my vainglorious self, out of the car and go for a short but poignant walk. I make a decision on that walk. I don’t matter right now. My feelings, will be placed in a small box at the edge of my mind while I take care of my best friend and husband not because he is my best friend or husband but because he is a human being that shouldn’t die….
I’ll continue this next week… because the alien is hungry and this post is getting long... haha...
I’ll leave you with this quote that has helped me: “When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on it.” - Franklin Roosevelt
Much Love and Peace Friends,
The Crazy Pregnant Lady
Maria
[media]https://www.facebook.com/OfficialMariaKanellis/posts/1711462562218676[/media]
The Addicted and The Recovery “Part 1”
“My struggle with forgiveness while being pregnant and what marriage means to me.”
When you walk down the aisle on your wedding day there are a lot of things that cross your mind. I can’t believe this is finally happening. I’m so happy to be marrying my best friend. I wonder what are kids will look like. I love him so much. Please, don’t let me fall down in the giant dress. I hope I have nothing in my teeth, or in my nose. What you don’t think about is, how am I going to cope with my husband’s drug addiction. Or what will it be like to try and love someone that is behind a mask of drugs. Will we be able to conquer this addiction and find a stronger marriage on the other side?
No, no one thinks these things. I wasn’t prepared. No one is. Many married couples are trying to not fight over money, housework, and keeping the spark alive. But, when addiction happens, it all changes. For me, I didn’t even know it was changing. I didn’t know my husband had this secret. Honestly, I wish he just liked video games too much or porn. Addiction takes over, it’s not just a hazy husband, it’s mood swings, no motivation, no will to help with housework, paying bills, so many ridiculous fights, lies, and lots of sleeping. I thought he hated me. The fights and the pain that it caused me, I hid from everyone. I just figured he was going through something and I wanted to be there for him. Maybe it was depression. Who was I, to judge? So, I questioned him about it but I tried to also be supportive. The first year went into two and then to almost three and I was tired. I was tired of the lying about where money was going and why he was always broke. Why he would disappear for hours at a time? Did he hate me? So, I started thinking about divorce. I talked to someone about it. I didn’t want to do that. Marriage was a work in progress to me. A talent you are constantly trying to perfect. But it was bad. And I didn’t want to be with someone, I thought, didn’t love me.
The day that everything changed, I was about 2 weeks pregnant. We, of course, didn’t know I was pregnant. We were supposed to go to Universal Studios, my favorite place ever, and Mike was not getting out of bed. I went to the gym. He was supposed to be ready to switch hotels for our mini vacation when I got back. I came back and he was still was in bed. I was frustrated and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. He promised he would be ready. He promised to have a fun day with me. And still, he laid in bed. I think about all the things, I did for him and I think I am finally ready to have the horrible talk about the D word. Finally, an hour later he brings his stuff down to the lobby. We head to lunch. I’m pissed and he is grumpy. It’s too late to go to Universal Studios and then he says he can’t afford a ticket to go tomorrow. WHAT? Now, going to Universal Studios and paying for a ticket may be understandable but the repeated failure to pay for things was not. Health insurance, rent, cable, gas, electric, or a grocery store run was usually paid for by me. What happened to equality? I was always the haughty woman that said she would never be with someone that treated her as, less than. And now this, something I looked forward to, I was done. Or I thought I was…
We fight, I cry, he gets real quiet.
“I don’t wanna die,” he says through tears. “I think I have a problem.”
We were in a Panera parking lot, in Orlando Florida, the happiest place on earth. I’m confused so I move the car to where there isn’t any cars so we can “talk.” (More like scream and cry. And SCREAM some more.) Fans don’t know I have a temper. A bad one. One that doesn’t care about who I love. I can string an insult together like a Stradivarius violin, when I am mad. I’ve had therapy to help it and I try to meditate. But, no amount of meditation or therapy will control a temper after 3 years of being lied to about pain pills and money. So, after the deafening truth comes out I take my vainglorious self, out of the car and go for a short but poignant walk. I make a decision on that walk. I don’t matter right now. My feelings, will be placed in a small box at the edge of my mind while I take care of my best friend and husband not because he is my best friend or husband but because he is a human being that shouldn’t die….
I’ll continue this next week… because the alien is hungry and this post is getting long... haha...
I’ll leave you with this quote that has helped me: “When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on it.” - Franklin Roosevelt
Much Love and Peace Friends,
The Crazy Pregnant Lady
Maria
[media]https://www.facebook.com/OfficialMariaKanellis/posts/1711462562218676[/media]
